Dogs, family, Life

Little Sleep but Fond Memories

I am feeling frustrated this morning.  It just took one thing to throw my whole day off.  Dumb as it sounds.  I’m trying hard not to be angry but things keep going wrong.  And I worry that whatever I do will be the wrong thing.  Am I just setting myself up to fail?  Or is it just experience?  Probably a bit of both.  It doesn’t help that I don’t want to be up this early.

The kids are all back to sleep.  I covered everyone up (except Dante because he has thick fur).  I am envious.  At some wee hour there was a big cat fight outside the bedroom window.  Then something made a boom type noise nearer the garage.  I thought it was a board propped up but both boards were still up when we got up.  I have no idea what the noise was from.  Once I quieted my mind enough to fall back asleep Chris got home and apparently scared both girls because they took off barking both when he pulled in (they came back to bed and curled up once the truck was turned off) and when he came in.  As I started to doze again is when he came to bed to sleep so my mind registered that and kept going.  I would check the clock intermittently to make sure I was up by 7am.  What dreams I had were really really weird.

Yes, there are bigger problems in the world but right now lack of sleep is mine.  And I am not a napper.  I didn’t do well when I was little either.  I remember Mom had to bribe me with a Tigers game on tv if she wanted be to lay down.  I’d get my pillow and blanket and lay in front of the tv and watch the Tigers play.  I believe the Mark Fidritch was the first famous person I ever met.  I remember meeting him in my Mom’s arms.  I was a toddler if not younger.  I don’t think I could walk yet.

Well I think the guys are arriving so I’d better go hoist the window so I can plug in their ginnie.

lights night crowd stadium
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Life, Thinking

Philosophical Cloud

I feel like I’m floating.  Not going anywhere or really being anywhere.  Rather wispy.  I don’t see anything around me.  I don’t really feel much either.  Is this what it feels like to be a cloud?

sky sunny clouds cloudy
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I don’t know who I am or where I’m going.  Or really where I have been.  What difference have I made?  Does it really matter?  All these books on how to do things better I guess it must matter to someone.  Should it?  Do I need to be better?  To do better?  Maybe.  I guess it depends on why.  Is it because it is something I want to do or because it is expected of me?  Is one reason better than the other?

If I do it for others then is it good for me or just bragging rights?  If I do it for myself will I learn better than if I am doing it for someone else?  Potentially.  It would matter who that someone else was.

What if I am learning something I don’t want to?  What if I am learning just to survive?  Is why you learn anymore important than what you learn?

I am learning it is hard to be a cloud, let alone a philosophical one.

Constant change…

Emotions, Life, Writing

Overly Sensitive

Today is my 100th blog!  Yay!  I am  very proud of this.  But what does one write about for their 100th blog?  Should it be something special?  Should there be some kind of fanfare?  Or maybe I should just write?

I have noticed that as  I get older I get overly sensitive to what people think of me.  I shouldn’t.  What strangers think should not keep me up at night.  But it does.  I think this is another reason I don’t like going out.  If I make a mistake or do something wrong what the people around me think matters.  If  I feel that I have come across like an idiot then I project that on to a stranger and then worry about it endlessly… sometimes for days.

I have no idea why I do this.  Why I insist on being liked and being the good guy.  Especially if I get wronged in the process.  Then I get to play the martyr.  Poor me!  I didn’t do anything wrong!  Bah!  I hate that about myself.  But I have no idea how to change.  I have tried burying the feelings, ignoring the feelings but if  I do that then it all comes back in spades.  I can feel guilty for something from years ago that others have long forgotten.

This need to be liked or be looked at as good or nice…  It shouldn’t be so ingrained.  It shouldn’t hurt me emotionally if someone is angry with me.  Especially a complete stranger.  The guilt is bad enough with someone I care about.  So my temporary solution is to stay home and then when I do go out try not to let my emotions get in the way.  Not the best but it is what I have.

I am feeling a bit stunned as I write this.  I have been told that a good friend has just lost her husband.  I guess he passed away at home.  It sounds like it his sleep.  She is going to be so lost without him…  And now I’m crying.  I will post this and go give her a call.

red love garden plant
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Dogs, Emotions, family, Life, Writing

Finding My Way a Step at a Time

Well I was a busy bee yesterday morning… I signed up for two classes with Coursera.  I am taking Beginning Guitar and writing historical fiction.  They both started yesterday and I am well into week two with both of them.  The first week is always what to expect with the class etc.  The dogs are tired of hearing me play A minor and E major on my acoustic.  I could pull out the electric and just not plug in.  Then I can practice and it will be quiet.

I am very excited to be doing all this.  They are free classes so I don’t put the extra pressure on myself to perform.  If I want at the end I can pay and get my certificate and it will show on my transcript.  But right now I am taking the classes and learning.  That makes me happy.  I’m not trying to balance work and classes like I did last time.

What I do need to do is set up a schedule as to when I do what.  I plowed thru both classes yesterday.  I need to slow it down.  Especially with guitar.  I need to take the time and do it right.  I don’t need to be sitting in front of the computer all day either.  The kids were so patient with me yesterday!  We did a few good romps around last night though.

I mentioned it to my Mom that she could do some classes.  She seemed receptive.  But then she started questioning if it was legit or not etc etc.  She wants to do it but she is afraid to make the commitment because she might fail (sound familiar?).  She was looking at paying for one of the classes.  I told her to find a free one so she wouldn’t sandbag herself.  So I can only hope that she will find something she likes.

So I will probably blather on about one or the other of the classes for a bit.  It will be a welcome change of pace for me.  Now to figure out a schedule…

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Dogs, Emotions, family, Life, Writing

Gimme A Break (Without the Kit Kat Bar)

Ahhhhh… Blessed silence!  No guys banging or drilling.  I don’t have to have the AC fan going to keep the kids quiet.  No one is really doing anything this morning.  Traffic is minimal.  I have missed this.

I pulled out some books to go thru to try to glean some inspiration from last night.  Sadly I fell asleep before I got very far.  Still sick but on the mend finally.  Silence.  Just the breathing of the dogs and the soft whirr of the ceiling fan.  It fells so weird.  I look out the window and the branches are barely moving.  Seems that not so long ago there was green in the trees and green on the ground.

This whole thing is surreal.  Without the ballast of retail it just feels like a snowy day.  There is no panic, anxiety, fear.  I just go thru my days and do my thing.  But is it enough?  Is it enough to just exist in one’s life?  I feel like I am in a dreamless sleep.

I think this break is what was needed to get my head straight and recharge the batteries.  Now I need to move forward.  I need to figure out a path.  It would be easier if it were Spring or Summer.  I would just go and work for one of the gardening places around here.  I guess I need to take a look at what is around here and pick one.

With these thoughts in mind I will start to work myself back into the real world and see what it holds for me.  I cannot live in limbo much longer.  But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

balance business cobblestone conceptual
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Dogs, Emotions, family, Life, Writing

A Revelation and Thanks

Another morning.  Atleast I think it is.  I can’t see a thing out there.  We are in our accustomed spots; Moose is on the futon under a blanket trying to stay awake, Dante is on the floor in front of me asleep, Essie and Stella are behind me on the love seat covered up asleep and I am tapping away at the keyboard on the table.

I guess I’d better find some other way to make money.  Knowing people are reading what I write and are getting something out of it is enough.  I find myself not really worrying about whether or not it brings in any money.  I think part of it too is being able to talk to other people who have similar issues as I instead of someone who only knows second hand and is trying to “fix” the problems.  I’m talking with others living with the problems and sharing ways to cope.  Because the problems never really go away.  They just get tucked into a dusty corner that no one goes and forgotten about until something accidentally triggers it all over again.

I’m grateful to everyone who reads my blogs.  It helps to have people to talk to and for.  So thank you for reading and commenting and especially following.

Emotions, family, Life, Writing

Random Everything

As I write this the guys are arriving to start work for the day.  Today we are having the floor poured for the garage.  They brought in filler dirt yesterday.  Hopefully it’s not too cold to allow the cement to harden.  I also need to drive into Traverse to do some paperwork.  I don’t want to but I have to.  I was too groggy from medicine yesterday and not really functional before that.  Hopefully I am on the mend.

I find it interesting that no one has read the last blog entry.  I got a lot of likes on my other ones but no one viewed or liked the recent one.  I even changed the name wondering if that was the problem.  I’ve never had that happen before.  I am curious as to what repelled people from the post.

The day is starting to dawn.  Not much to see as it is going to be another dark and grey day.  Temps are supposed to drop again tomorrow.  My mind is all over as is this post.  I’m trying not to think about the drive in.  I hate driving in the snow.  My stomach aches from all the coughing I did last night.  I had a bad coughing fit for about an hour.

Wow.  I am bouncing all over!  Sorry about that!  I’m trying to keep an ear out for the guys so I can plug in their generator.  It has to have direct juice for some reason so I have to lift the window and plug it in.  They don’t want to because of the dogs.

Only one of the guys is here… You mean I could’ve slept in?  This time yesterday everyone was here.  Sigh.  I will make this short since I can’t seem to focus or multitask right now.  Cheers!

 

Emotions, Life

Why Do I Want It Now?

It is way too early for me to be up.  I did a binge watch of “Endeavor” on Amazon Prime.  I was going to go to bed at the end of season 2 but the cliff hanger was so great I had to watch the first episode of the third season.  I hate it when they do that!  But then I could have greater self control.  It’s not like it was going anywhere nor would it change anything if I chose to wait to see what happened.

I find that is something I don’t like and try to change about myself.  I want instant gratification, not always but often enough.  I find that if I take too long preparing food I don’t want it anymore.  I still eat it but my mind is already looking for something else.  If I wait too long to do something I won’t care about doing it.  The anticipation lasts only so long before the brain moves on and the emotions no longer care.

I don’t know what to do to change things.  I have been in limbo with what has been going on I expect the worst and am surprised when things turn out well.  I will live in a panic because I assume things will not work out as they should.  Those few times I dared hope for the best did not exactly pan out… or if they did I waited in dread for the shoe to drop and things to backfire.  Even explaining I go for the negative.

I was a positive person once.  Now I am cynical and seem to trust at the wrong time.  I tend to believe the worst will happen.  On the flip side some wonderful things have happened out of the blue and I allowed myself to bask in the warmth and happiness without the negativity.  That is a good feeling.

I am too empathetic.  I connect emotionally with too much and too closely.  It can tear me apart inside.  And has.  I will feel like I am made of tissue paper inside and just get shredded.  I shed tears and hurt as if it is my life that was damaged.  I cannot seem to pull myself back.  I lose myself.  Then I will hurt for them for seemingly days.  I can’t believe life could be so cruel to them.

The dark winter days are not helping.  I tend to do much better in sunshine and warmth.  But alas the dark days of winter are upon us.  For another three months if we are unlucky.  So I will do the best I can and try to keep a positive mind set.  I will find happiness in the now and hope for the future.

Emotions, Life, Writing

Alice Is Lost

Here we are again.  There is consistent work being done on the garage this week.  We may actually have something before Christmas!  My seemingly constant tickle in my throat kept me from getting a lot of sleep.  I hope Chris wasn’t kept up too much with it.  I offered to go sleep in the living room but he said no.  And now that I am awake the tickle has been occurring at the most inopportune times and there is no liquid or lozenge that can take care of it.

So many books on writing sitting here.  Most of them read partly through and set aside as I start another one.  Some fiction around me but not much.  I have joined all these reviewing places but haven’t done anything because the medication has been muddling my brain.  Being sick is not fun.  Case in point… I had a place I was going to with those lines but now it is gone.  I am trying to recreate the thought process but no joy.  Nuts.

The day is dark and dreary.  Cold too but I don’t feel it much because my body temp is out of whack.  The days seem to pass by so quickly anymore.  Is it the limited daylight?  Getting older?  I know it’s not being busy all the time.  That will happen during the summer but not the winter.  Not as much.

I get up, feed the kids, take everyone out to go potty, pull out my laptop to the living room, write for a few hours, maybe read for a bit til Chris gets up.  Once he is up and then goes to work at 3pm I feel like the whole day has just gotten away from me.  It doesn’t matter what I have accomplished before he left for work.  The day has just blown by and I have nothing to show for it.

It feels like the last few years have been like that.  They have blown by and I have nothing to show for it.  Things have happened to me but I haven’t made anything happen to me.  I haven’t lived.  It’s been so long that I have forgotten how.  I have built up walls and other barriers and each year the circle has gotten smaller and smaller.  Now I occupy this tiny space that I am deathly afraid to leave.

Stepping back I feel a bit like Alice in Wonderland.  I keep getting smaller and smaller.  I can still talk a good game but performance back up is limited.

 

Dogs, Emotions, family, Life, Writing

To Believe or Not to Believe

Another empty screen looks back at me this morning.  The kids let me stay in bed til around 9am despite the guys being here at 7am.  The husband is hitting the bad part of being sick so I am trying to keep the meds going for both of us.  He has been a love taking care of me.  It has been a rough weekend here.  I have phone calls to make but my voice sounds like Teutonic plates shifting rather than a human voice so I’m not sure how I will do.  When I try to communicate face to face I usually have to repeat myself.

That’s the interesting thing about writing.  When you are reading you never know how the writer is actually feeling.  I mean we can say one thing but feel the complete opposite.  You, the reader, are literally taking our word for it.  When the writer is sick you don’t hear the coughing and sneezing as they write.  If the writer is in pain you don’t feel the migraine or the muscles flaming up as they try to type before it gets too bad.  We know none of that.

The flip side is sadly true too.  The writer will claim to have all this wrong and be happily typing along, sipping coffee looking up how a person with Cushings disease is supposed to feel.  You just don’t know.  You are putting blind faith in your writer that they aren’t lying to you.

I don’t know.  Maybe I’m just getting too cynical as I get older.  People find out that they can abuse people’s sympathies and do so.  I’ll get frustrated with people when they meet Stella.  Her hips will pop out if she moves a certain way or does too much.  Both her knees are nobs the size of small tennis balls when she lays on her back and you can actually see the damage.  But when you meet her you would never know there is anything wrong.  She is shaped wrong, her back end is way too small compared to her big and beefy shoulders and chest (that is from over compensating for her back end not working; she was abused but I haven’t been able to get specifics we can only guess).  But she is all bouncy and wants to play and chase her ball.  She is barely a year old so she is still in puppy mode and will ignore pain as much as she can.

So when people meet her or see pictures of her playing they think that I am lying when I ask for help with her medical stuff.  I set up  GoFundMe page for her not long after I found her on the road because her hips are bad and both knees will need to be replaced.  It is $2000-2500 a knee.  I started all the dogs on hip and joint medicine (the strongest I could find) and Stella also gets hemp oil.  This steady regiment seems to have helped a lot.  She is busier than ever.  But it has not fixed the problem.  The problem is hidden to the naked eye unless she manages to pop one of her hips out while she is playing.  And because of that people assume I am lying.  Nevermind that medication is $200 a month.  This doesn’t include any vet visits or food for four dogs.

The point of me telling you all this is to demonstrate what I mean about not knowing.  We aren’t there experiencing what the writer is writing about or what the writer is experiencing while they are writing.  You can’t.  You can only trust your judgement and the words of the writer.